


Letters to Burn

by RebeccaKay27



Category: Dancing with the Stars (US) RPF, Olympics RPF
Genre: figure skating rpf - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-20
Updated: 2015-08-25
Packaged: 2018-02-05 12:14:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 19,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1818094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RebeccaKay27/pseuds/RebeccaKay27
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(AU) Meryl Davis comes to a crushing decision after one moment changes everything. This is her collection of letters written to her partner, Charlie White.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

6/20/14

 

_Dear Charlie,_

 

_I’m so sorry._

 

_I don’t think I’ll ever be able to say it enough, but I’m saying it now._

 

_I was so sure until that moment… and now everything has changed, and I’ve tried to change it back but I can’t._

 

_I was certain that we were always meant to be friends and partners and we’d never cross that line, and it **always** made sense._

 

_There’s a weird feeling that has always been a part of me, and it remained undefined until that moment. It was like a dull ache hidden somewhere inside my chest, and I always used it to push me- us, forward. I never thought that it was a part of me that was missing all this time._

 

_How did I not see?_

 

_Maybe it was my depth-perception problem… Heh._

 

_That’s not even funny._

 

_Frick, frick, frick, FUCK._

 

_Charlie, I think that somewhere it all became so convoluted, and twisted, and turned around, and we lost what we were really supposed to become. I’ve have a gold medal, but I don’t have you. No medal is gold enough to be a worth-while consolation prize._

 

_I guess I should explain…_

 

It was only going to be a short bumper to bring the show back from commercial, but they promoted it like it was going to be the most exceptional moment between the two partners, to date.

 

When the producers had brought up the idea, they both looked at one another and exchanged a knowing smile. Meryl and Charlie had been joking about this possibility since the show became a real opportunity for them, even in the weeks immediately following Sochi. It was inevitable that the execs would come to understand that no matter how much they tried to pit the two against each other, they were like two halves of the same whole. They had begun their partnership as children thrust upon each other, they had fostered that partnership throughout their difficult formative years, and now that they were adults- their partnership was as strong as it ever had been.

 

Secretly, they had hoped that one day they would be able to take all of their new dance training and work on something together, and now the opportunity had fallen into their laps.

 

Meryl was _tired_ , but she wasn’t one to complain. She had always had a hectic schedule. She was used to her days being centered around practice and conditioning, but this show was completely different. The amount of dances were already becoming a bit overwhelming, but when she saw Charlie’s face light up at the mere mention of the idea, she knew that saying no was not an option.

 

Meryl knew Charlie. She knew him _so_ well. The half-hearted smiles he had been wearing around lately were all but breaking her heart, and if there was one thing she could do to make him light up again, that’s all she wanted to do. So, she said yes.

 

Charlie picked the song.

 

Meryl picked the choreographer.

 

“Do you think Sharna would choreograph it?” she asked Charlie as they sat across the table from one another during lunch.

 

Their time alone was so privileged these days, and she knew that soon the time they spent on the ice together would be all the quality time they had alone together. He had bought a house, he was proposing soon, they were both re-focusing on school, and they were taking the competition season off. While he was settling down, she had plans to travel. Meryl wanted to see the entire world, and hold it in the palm of her hand. She always had, really, but she couldn’t wait to make that dream a reality.

 

“Why not Maks?” he asked, looking at her curiously.

 

She paused, trying to come up with an excuse that he would accept. “I haven’t had a chance to work with Sharna at all, so that would be fun. And besides, she knows all of our lifts, so I’m sure she could really make it a true ‘Davis and White’ performance.” Meryl had teased Charlie relentlessly about how often their signature moves had ended up in his dances, and she knew that throwing her last quip into the discussion would deter him from probing any further. She sipped her water, shooting him a playful look.

 

In truth, she didn’t want Maks to choreograph it, because it almost felt like cheating. Dancing with him had been so incredibly exciting and different, and it stirred feelings inside of her that made her feel _alive_ and _alight_ and she wasn’t anywhere near ready to give that up. But to ask the person that made her feel those things, to help her portray those feelings with someone else? That just seemed too weird. Plus, Maksim, while a teddy bear, had a jealous streak.

 

It’s not that he was possessive, he was just passionate.

 

Double passionate when it came to Meryl.

 

He accepted her idea as easily as she’d hoped he would. “Alright then, I’ll ask her at practice later!” Charlie was so eager to put together this dance, and she couldn’t help but feel some of that infectious excitement rub off on her.

 

Practicing together was natural for them, and the dance came together quickly. Meryl couldn’t help but think Sharna was a saint for putting up with their partner antics, but despite all of that, she felt like they had really put together a dance they could be proud of.

 

It was no Scheherazade, but she loved it anyway.

 

Everything was easy and natural and made so much sense until the moment their faces were mere inches apart, broadcast live on national television, and he stared straight into her soul. His smile was blinding, his happiness ripping her apart and putting her back together at the exact same time. His eyes were afire with something she had never seen before, and that empty space that had been ever-present in her chest throughout her entire life felt so incredibly _full_.

 

 

_So, you see, that’s why I can’t see you anymore._

 

_I know we’re on opposite sides of the same island right now, but I can’t face you. I can’t see the sadness in your eyes as I tell you all of this. Even imagining it is almost too hard to bear._

 

_I know we’re committed to so many things, and we’re going to lose all of our sponsorships and endorsements, and I’ve ruined everything._

 

_But I love you, Charlie White._

 

_I’m **in** love with you. I think I always have been, and I’m terrified that I always will be. You are so much a part of who I am that I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to shake you out of the fabric that makes up **me**. _

 

_Charlie, I’m not strong enough to be the person that just pretends for the rest of my life. I can’t give a toast at your wedding, I can’t be godmother to your children, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to skate with you again._

 

_I’m so sorry. So, so, so sorry for ruining everything._

 

_Love you forever,_

 

_Meryl E. Davis_


	2. Chapter 2

Everything in her condo boasted of him. As she walked through the hallway, it felt like his face was jeering at her from the photos hanging on the walls, his memory was screaming at her from the impressive display of their medals and trophies in her living room, and too many items of her clothing had the faint smell of  _him_  intermingled in with her perfume.

 

She missed him with an aching emptiness in a heart that was barely beating in her chest.

 

Meryl was so devastated; she didn’t know how to go about living her life. It was so unlike her to allow anything to bring her to these depths; however, 17 years of her life had been building a relationship with someone she had just walked away from.

 

She showered only to stifle the sound of her own tears.

 

She ate only to try and silence the pain in her gut.

 

She slept only because it was a temporary break from the throbbing headaches.

 

She wrote to him, because it felt like she had lost a part of herself that she couldn’t bear to leave behind.

 

_Dear Charlie,_

 

_I know I did this to myself, and that right now you’re probably so angry with me. I’m sorry for not answering your calls and text messages, especially when you were begging me and reassuring me that we’d figure it out. I deleted the voicemails, but I read every single one of your texts for the first couple days. It took everything I had not to push some letters on the screen and try to come up with something, even if it was just a no._

 

_I haven’t looked at my phone in days. I haven’t talked to my family, to my friends, or to anyone. Well, anyone except you. I keep writing these letters, and swearing by them like it’s my religion._

 

_It’s the only thing keeping me sane._

 

_I wish I could give these to you and that you’d understand._

 

_But you could never understand, because you’ve never loved me in the way that I love you. Maybe if you imagined Tanith running off with someone else, then you could begin to grasp it… but I think sometimes that you’re too naïve to ever even imagine a fate as terrible as that._

 

_I believe that you’ll be able to get over this and move on, just like you always have. I’m sure that Tanith will make it far easier for you._

 

_I just wish things could be different._

 

_I wish I could be the girl who is on Pinterest pinning all of my ideas for what our wedding would look like. If you would have told me a month ago that I’d even consider that, I would have called you crazy…_

 

_But I guess maybe I just always assumed that we were meant to be, and that somehow life would bring us to that place. I thought we’d retire, and then coach, and then live our lives as comfortable companions._

 

_Before, I could see us in our rocking chairs with our family running around the yard._

 

_How did I not realize all of this sooner?_

 

_Maybe I wouldn’t have ever had a chance._

 

_Maybe even if I said something, you never would have loved me._

 

_But I wouldn’t have to live with this **regret.**_

 

_I’m barely living right now, and I don’t know how to start again. I can’t turn my phone on because I’m terrified to see what people are saying. I know I’ve disappointed people, not just you, but I’m living in this bubble of disillusion, and I’m not ready to see it burst._

 

Meryl placed the pen down as she heard the doorbell ring. It sent a shiver through her entire body, and she was not sure she could even make her way towards the door.

 

It was locked right?

 

That was when she heard the pounding.

 

And her name, in a way she had never heard it before.

 

Desperate.

 

She knew she shouldn’t get any closer to the door, but the way he was calling for her pulled her forward, and she had to be near him even if she couldn’t be  _with_ him.

 

She could see his shadowy outline behind the glass of the door, the sun shining brightly behind him. She hoped that he couldn’t see her, and knew that he probably couldn’t. She touched the door, hoping to feel him somehow through the barrier between them.

 

“Meryl! I know you’re there! Please talk to me!” he cried, pressing his head against the door.

 

She opened her mouth to speak, and then closed it slowly.

 

“Meryl,” he choked back his sobs, beating against the door with an open hand.

 

“I can’t,” she croaked. “Please go away.” The tears overtook her and she slid down the wall closest to the door, burying her face in her hands.

 

“Mer?” he asked frantically, trying to press his ear to the crack in the door. “Was that you?”

 

She didn’t reply. She held a hand over her mouth to keep her from slipping.

 

She could hear him sit down on the stoop, his back against the door.

 

“Meryl, I hope you’re still there and that you can hear me. This is destroying me. I can’t do this. Open the door, and I will give you anything you want. I can’t live without you.” She heard him pleading, and pressed her ear against the crack of the door, because hearing his voice even for a precious few seconds made her feel more whole and unbroken than she had felt in a week.

 

She wanted so much to open the door.

 

But she couldn’t tear apart his life.

 

“You have been a part of every part of my life for as long as I can remember,” he continued. “You remember who I was when I was a kid. You stayed with me when I broke my ankle and ruined our entire season. You gave me my first kiss, and even though I always knew it was a pity kiss, I’ve always been grateful it was with you. You didn’t kill me when I started dating our competition, even though you probably should have.”

 

He was ripping her apart from the inside. There was a feeling of physically being torn apart little by little, and every word he said clawed at her. She wanted to stroke his face, and comb back his hair, and assure him that everything was going to be okay.

 

She wanted him to embrace her the way he always had, wrapping her so close that she felt like a part of him.

 

Meryl wanted to fall into him.

 

“If I knew that proposing to Tanith meant losing you, I would have never done it,” he admitted, and she could hear defeat in his voice. “Did you hear me, Mer? I shouldn’t have said that, but I mean it.”

 

“Meryl Elizabeth Davis, you are the most important person in my life, and I can’t do this. I will wait right here for a week, or a month, or a year if I have to.”

 

She couldn’t let him do that.

 

“Charlie, no,” she spoke quietly.

 

She heard him rustling outside to try and hear her more clearly. “I knew you were there,” he spoke through the crack in the door. “Please open the door.”

 

“I can’t,” her voice cracked, sending her back into sobs.

 

“Please,” he begged her.

 

“It’s over Charlie, go away,” she got up, rushing away from the door and to the furthest part of her home. She tried to pretend she didn’t hear his pounding and screams.

 

Three hours later, when she went back to check, he was still there.


	3. Chapter 3

A few hours after she’d left him alone, she knew it would soon be getting chilly outside.

 

He sat still as a stone, perched upon her condo’s stoop like a madman.

 

She knew it wasn’t long before her resolve would crumble. Because even though she knew it was best for the both of them if they were no longer in contact, she couldn’t be _this_ cruel. She _loved_ the boy, and he was waiting for _her_ in the near darkness. She had watched him grow from child to man, and she knew he’d never purposefully do something this painful to her.

 

She walked to the door, meekly. Each step she took felt like it held an infinite amount of weight.

 

The lock slipped over heavily, and as soon as he heard it click he jumped up. His joints cracked and creaked, as the wait had been particularly hard on them. She opened the door up only an inch before walking into the living room and taking a seat in her favorite armchair.

 

He followed her, closing the door behind him slowly. She couldn’t bring herself to lift her head and look into his eyes.

 

It was like they were children all over again.

 

She had just written about it to him yesterday.

_Dear Charlie,_

_Do you remember when we went from mere skating partners to friends?_

_We were sitting on a bench waiting for our very first competition to begin. Most kids asked me why I was so quiet or just assumed I was unfriendly. But **you** with your endless optimism, constant chatter, and open heart just looked over and told me it was okay to be nervous. You told me you were nervous too and that it was **okay** if I didn’t want to talk._

_You said you’d always do the talking for both of us, if I wanted._

_I nodded my head and smiled at you, and we held hands like it was the most natural thing in the world. We held hands until we took the ice, and we held hands there, too._

_Since that moment, you’ve continuously been the person I knew I could always rely on._

_I wish I wouldn’t have let you down. Maybe talking was never meant to be my strong suit._

 

He went into the kitchen and grabbed himself a glass of water, before standing across the room from her, unmoving.

 

He broke, “Mer, why didn’t you just _talk_ to me?”

 

Her back shook with the sobs her body wanted so desperately to release. She longed so fervently for him to run across the room and embrace her, but was also terrified of the possibility.

 

“After 17 years you run off with no goodbye, just a letter that came completely out of left field.” He shifted his weight from foot to foot, shaking his head to clear his eyes of hair he no longer had. It was his nervous tick.

 

“I had five years,” she spoke quietly, but enunciated every word with crisp accuracy. “Five years and I never said anything. I couldn’t rip your life apart like that.”

 

“But you did,” he responded instantly, without taking even a second to think.

 

“I…” the words left her as her mind spun. She gestured with her arms out and open to him, hoping he’d somehow understand.

 

“Look at me,” he said authoritatively, punctuating every syllable.

 

She still couldn’t find the courage, and instead, covered her face with her hands.

 

“Look at me,” he urged again, cutting the distance between then by half. Her heart began to race inside her chest and she had never before felt so much unbridled _fear_.

 

He closed the space between them. “Look at me,” he plead for a third time, grabbing her by the wrists and bringing her to her feet.

 

His eyes stared intensely into hers, searching for answers he couldn’t seem to find.

 

She had never seen him look like such a wreck. His eyes were dark and sunken, his hair was completely disheveled, his clothes were impossibly wrinkled, and it looked like he had lost weight.

 

Amidst all of that, the sole thought racing through Meryl’s mind was just how much she loved him.

 

She tried to look away.

 

“No!” he demanded, gripping her wrists tighter. “I know you had a thought just then. I could see it. Tell me what it was.”

 

She didn’t think she could.

 

She opened her mouth to speak a few times before she actually built enough courage to raise her voice. “I was thinking,” she stammered, “that even through all of this, I…”

 

“You what?” he questioned with such sincerity that her knees almost went weak.

 

“I love you,” she choked, crumbing into herself. He caught her, gripping her to his chest in a painfully tight embrace. She welcomed the pain, as she had never wanted to feel another’s touch more in her entire life.

 

“Please don’t do this,” tears rained hot upon his cheeks, and she could feel them drip onto her forehead.

 

What do you do when what you want is the one thing you can’t have?

 

Running hadn’t worked.

 

Hiding hadn’t solved anything.

 

Nothing could subdue the love that she felt for him.

 

Would it ever?

 

“Don’t leave me,” he begged, using one hand to cradle the side of her face and the other to roughly run his fingers through her hair. His ever-gentle hands were aggressively looking for some reassurance that she was there, and that she wasn’t going to leave. He didn’t want to let her out of his grasp for even a second, fearful he might never get her back again.

 

“I don’t want to,” she sighed, leaning into him and speaking honestly.

 

“Meryl, I don’t know what to do, but please don’t shut me out entirely,” he whispered, trying to stop his tears.

 

“Shh, Charlie,” she shushed him, running her hand gently across his back. She kissed his covered chest, directly over his heart, trying to comfort him even though she needed comforting just as badly. She could somehow feel the pain radiating through his ribcage, as if they were one person. One fragmented, shattered, damaged person. She wanted to pick up all of his pieces and make him _Charlie_ again. Make them _Davis and White_ again. But how could that ever _be_?

 

 “What do you want me to do?” she croaked. “No matter what I do, both of our hearts get broken.”

 

There they were, Davis and White, the most decorated ice dance couple in US history, broken and crumbling into each other’s arms. Tears stained both of their cheeks, and neither one had any answers.

 

So instead, they held onto each other for dear life, fearful it would be the last time but hoping it would never end.

 

Everything good must come to an end.


	4. Chapter 4

He fell asleep on her living room couch, still not ready to go but not exactly invited to stay. She stood in the doorway and watched as his chest rose and sunk with his breath. She wanted to freeze this moment where everything was quiet, and things were _normal_ and she didn’t have to admit to anyone what a mess her life really was.

 

He had come after her.

 

But could that be enough to fix things? They hadn’t really come up with any sort of solution, and now the only thing that had changed was that she had admitted that she loved him, out loud.

 

It didn’t even make it seem more real.

 

It just made it hurt more.

 

But Charlie hadn’t slept in days, and if being here brought him comfort, she couldn’t deny him that. And maybe the moment he walked out the door would be the last time she ever saw him, and so she didn’t mind stalling before she had to lose him all over again.

 

Being in his arms had felt so _good_ , maybe even _too_ good. And it had taken everything within her not to fall to her knees and beg him to choose her instead. Tanith was amazing. Tanith had been a friend of hers long before she and Charlie had started dating. But Tanith was also the only thing standing between her and a lifetime’s worth of happiness.

 

But Meryl Davis was not one to put her own needs above the needs of others. She was kind to a fault.

 

And maybe that meant making decisions that hurt herself in order to save others. Maybe that was wrong, but it was the truth.

 

She quietly slipped into her room, sitting down in the middle of her bed, surrounded by far more pillows than one person probably needed. The bed dwarfed her, but that was the way she liked it, being cocooned amidst the comfort.

 

She wasn’t ready to try and go to bed, so instead she got out another piece of paper to write to him, because it was the only way to come up with the words she so desperately longed to say.

_Dear Charlie,_

_I wish you were here in this bed with me and not on the couch._

_I wish that we could rewind 5 years and do things differently._

_I wish that your ring was on **my** finger._

_I wish that we’d fucked at Cup of Russia when you wanted to and I hadn’t given you that awkward handjob._

_We never talked about that night._

_I hope that handjob was okay._

_Was it?_

_Oh my God, what am I talking about?_

_Charlie, I’m a wreck. And you are too, and I can tell. I can tell that this is ripping you apart just as much as it is me. I don’t know if I can leave you like I should if you’re going to be like this. Will you get better with time, or will you always be this broken?_

_Why can’t we even talk about this? Was it honestly never a problem, or did we both just pretend it wasn’t so that we could keep skating together?_

_You’ve always made me happy. You’re the one person I can go to and know that even if I’m having the absolute worst day, somehow you will have me laughing. You bring sunshine into everyone’s life._

_Can I take that away from Tanith?_

_So that’s why I will stay silent. Because I don’t want her to hurt like I am hurting now. I don’t want her to feel as empty, and alone, and torn apart as I feel._

_I want to beg and crawl and throw myself at your feet and scream for you to just LOOK AT ME. Just like you told me to look at you, I want you to look at me, and see me in a whole new way. I want you to stare into my soul, because I know that if you did you would see how pure my intentions are and how much I just want to be free to **love** you._

_I just want a shot._

_I just want a chance to make you the happiest you’ve ever been._

_Because I know that a majority of your happiest moments have been with me. And I’m not even talking about the podiums. I know our Free Dance in Sochi was unreal, I know that our **stupid** , shortdance on Dancing with the Stars changed everything, but the moments when you and I are happiest are the moments no one ever sees._

_It’s laughing over our coffee orders being mixed up, or joking about pop culture references no one else finds funny, or when I get my earring caught on your jacket and I’m stuck skating in awkward circles around you. It’s when you have a granola bar waiting for me at practice because you **know** how stressed I can get and you don’t want me to forget to eat. It’s the fact that our families have become one family, and I feel like your mom is my mom, too. It’s how you know my favorite color, and book, and sports teams, and museums, and you know that I prefer plain scones to blueberry._

_We’re such a significant part of each other’s lives. We’re so intertwined and intermingled that sometimes I forget where I end and you begin._

_You are the faith, and the laughter, and the light within me._

_I am the logic, and the strength, and the drive within you._

_Apart we’re like this heap of broken parts that don’t assemble anything that will work or have meaning, but together we’re like this machine that can do anything and accomplish everything._

_I never would have wanted to go on this 17 year journey with anyone else._

_I’m so glad I did it with you._

_Even though it’s messing everything up now and I can’t manage to breathe without feeling pained, I would not take back a single second of the time I spent with you._

_I will never regret loving you as much as I do._

 

Just as the tears begin to fall, she heard a light tapping on her door and a whispered, “Can I come in?”

 

Meryl hurried to wipe the water from her face, and put the page she was writing away. “Of course,” she replied.

 

He opened the door gingerly, peaking his head around the corner.

 

“Are you okay?” his brow furrowed as soon as he saw the streaks that stained her cheeks.

 

“Yeah, I’m fine,” she lied, scooting over and making room for him on the bed.

 

He crawled on slowly, burying his head in her lap and letting out a soft moan as he wrapped his arms around her tiny waist. She couldn’t help but smile, running her fingers through what was left of his hair.

 

“Can we just pretend for one night?” he asked.

 

She was afraid to ask, and yet the words tumbled from her lips. “Pretend what?”

 

“I don’t know,” he admitted. “Are we going to be okay?”

 

She bit her lip, not knowing how to answer.

 

“I can’t live without you, Meryl.”

 

The words were simple, but the meaning was so deep and complex that she didn’t know if she could fully wrap her head around it. It was as close to being in love with her as he would probably ever get. Had he ever shared her feelings for him? She had to know.

 

“Did you ever think that we could be an us?” she asked, quietly.

 

“All the time,” he said it so plainly and so quickly that she didn’t think it could possibly be true. He had? Why hadn’t he said anything? “There were so many times I should have stopped everything and said something, but I always thought you’d give me a lecture about _ruining our partnership._ ” He laughed a little, and she couldn’t help but playfully punch him in the shoulder.

 

She wanted to say something, but she knew that if she opened her mouth her lips would betray her steadfast promise to do what a good friend does- and let him go.

 

“Then there was Tanith, and you were so supportive, and I just assumed that you would never feel the same way…” his voice trailed off, and she could hear how exhausted he was.

 

“It’s okay, we don’t have to talk about it,” she was trying to let him off the hook, partially so that he could get some sleep and also so that she no longer had to hear the agonizing truth.

 

She’d missed her chance.

 

She tried to memorize the feel of him in her arms. She tried to catalog every nuance of his body, the muscles of his back, the texture of his hair, the way he smelled. She couldn’t bear to think that someday she might forget all of the little pieces that made him who he was; the lilt of his laughter, the crinkle of his eyes, the strength and security of his arms.

 

She tried to choke back the sobs, but nothing could mask the fact that she had begun to shake.

 

He sat up quickly, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes and wrapping her into his arms again. “Stop thinking whatever you’re thinking,” he implored her. “Just stop trying so hard to say goodbye, Mer.”

 

“How do I _do_ that?” she spoke while trying to overcome her own emotions.

 

“Let’s start with a good night’s sleep and go from there,” he suggested, laying down on the pillows and opening his arms to her. She knew it was wrong, but she curled into his arms tried to let sleep overtake her.

 

“Goodnight, Meryl Elizabeth Davis,” he whispered into her hair.

 

Is this what it would have been like if one of them had spoken sooner?

 

It would have been perfect.

 

“I love you, Charles Allen,” she answered, not knowing if he’d heard her.

 

He had.

 

\-----------

 

The next morning, Meryl woke up on her own, the bed still warm beside her.

 

He hadn’t been gone long.

 

That’s when she heard his raised voice coming from her living room.

 

“Don’t you think I know that, Mom? I was the one who put that ring on her finger. I _know_ that I have responsibilities!” She had rarely heard him raise his voice like this to anyone, let alone his mother.

 

She realized then just what kind of place she’d put him in by agreeing to sleep in his arms. Yes, he was the one who’d offered, but she was the one who had accepted.

 

He must have been on his phone, because after a short pause, he continued speaking. “I know it’s inappropriate. I know you’re going to be disappointed in me. Mom, I’m sorry for being disrespectful, but I really don’t _care!_ ”

 

Jacqui wasn’t happy he’d spent the night at Meryl’s. She felt bad for eavesdropping, but he was so loud, how could she not?

 

“Mom, I can’t just let her go.” The agony in his voice made her stomach begin to knot.

 

“I don’t know what’s going to happen, Mom. All I know is I’m going to fight until I can’t fight any longer. Until she physically pushes me out the door, I will do whatever I have to do to keep her in my sight. I hope that one day you can respect that. I promise that I will deal with everything else later.”

 

He wasn’t going to let her go. She cowered. She hadn’t realized that leaving wasn’t only her choice. Now he had decided that he was going to voice his opinion, and with him there, could she really refuse his right to keep trying?

 

She should have never let him in the door.

 

If she hadn’t, he’d probably be on the stoop like some stray puppy.

 

“Thank you for supporting me. I knew you’d understand.”

 

Damnit, Jacqui was on his side. If Jacqui was on his side, then so was Cheryl. If Cheryl was on his side, Meryl was doomed.

 

Nobody could cross the moms.

 

“I love you too. Please tell Tanith I just need more time.”

 

A few seconds later she could hear his footsteps making their way back towards her bedroom door. Should she pretend to be asleep?

 

It was too late. Their eyes met, and he knew that she’d heard him.

 

He shrunk back against the doorframe, a hand stroking the back of his neck. “How much of that did you hear?”

 

“Everything.”


	5. Chapter 5

“Do you want to talk about it?” Meryl asked, her arms reaching instinctively to wrap around her legs. She sat in the middle of the bed, sheets and comforter pushed around as evidence of the night they’d spent together, sleeping in each other’s arms.

 

He was perched in the doorway, a hand nervously running through his hair, trying to process the fact that she’d overheard the conversation he’d just had with his mom.

 

He said he wasn’t leaving.

 

He said he was making Tanith wait.

 

“I don’t know what there is to say, Mer.” Charlie’s body language spoke volumes to the battle waging within. Whereas he normally stood tall, open, and confident- now he was slouched upon himself, seeming to try and fade away into his own self. She crawled over the bed to the corner that was nearest him and motioned for him to come towards her.

 

He kneeled on the bed in front of her, and she wrapped her arms around his shoulders. She was trying to be strong, even when she knew it was a futile fight.

 

Charlie would have to agree to let her go so that he could have the life he’d built for himself.

 

Meryl would have to push aside the longing she felt in order to make that happen.

 

Could she choke it down far enough to remain in his life?

 

“You’re my best friend, Meryl,” he breathed into her neck, sending shivers down her spine. _Best friend._ Those words had never hurt more than they did in that moment. She had always been grateful to have been partnered with such an amazing person so young. She had grown up, seen the world, and become an Olympic champion, all within arm’s reach of Charlie. He was her best friend, too.

 

But not _just_ her best friend.

 

She couldn’t delegate her feelings into boxes, stacked on shelves, piled into rooms, sealed off and hidden anymore. She couldn’t close off the deluge of feelings that had taken over every compartment she’d labeled as “partnership” over the last two decades. All of those memories and moments were now tainted by the fact that she didn’t _want_ to be simply his friend or his partner.

 

She wanted to live in his heart. Present, and alive, and free. She wanted to wrap herself inside of him in a way that would make the lines between friend and lover inseparable forever. She wanted him to feel the way that she felt.

 

The word _friend_ tasted like poison in her mouth.

 

He could feel the muscles in her back tense underneath his fingertips, and he knew he’d said something wrong. He had said something that was getting her to raise her walls, brick by brick. He knew that she thought without walls, she wasn’t safe. Without walls, Meryl was opening herself up to hurt.

 

“Meryl?” he questioned, pulling away from her.

 

She scooted herself back, “We never should have done this Charlie. It was a mistake.” Her eyes no longer rose to look at him, and any progress he’d made by pounding on her door and forcing his way in, was now forgotten.

 

Nothing had changed. He still needed to go live a life she couldn’t be a part of anymore.

 

“Stop!” he shook her, grabbing her arms with a force she wasn’t expecting.

 

She instantly burst into tears she couldn’t fight, and he tugged her close. Meryl went limp in Charlie’s arms.

 

“Why do you keep cutting yourself off from me?” he asked her desperately.

 

“There is no other way,” she mumbled, completely defeated and emotionally overwrought.

 

“There has to be. Meryl, it’s not fair that you’re not giving me a choice. This is my life, too,” he begged her, sitting back on his heels and keeping a safe distance away. It was obvious that she was no longer comforted by his touch.

 

“We can go back and forth forever, Charlie. But at the end of the day, you still have to go back to Tanith and it will drive me slowly insane,” she looked at him, and he saw every broken dream littered within her soul.

 

He didn’t know if anyone had ever wanted him so much.

 

It terrified him.

 

“I don’t want to hurt you, but I won’t let you go,” he choked, reaching out a hand to wipe the tears from her face.

 

She shook her head, refusing to take it. Her hands fumbled to wipe the moisture from her own cheeks.

 

“Please don’t give up on me,” he spoke in the meekest of whispers.

 

Charlie White was exposed to her in a way he never had been, but not in the way that could change their circumstance.

 

She wanted to hear his laugh. She wanted to see his smile. More than anything she just wanted to be on the ice, flying in his arms. She ached for it with such ferocity that it threatened to overtake every wish and dream she’d ever concocted for herself.

 

Where could they go from here?

 

“You love Tanith. I love you. Who loves me?” she questioned, her resolve beginning to find a foothold.

 

“I do,” Charlie promised.

 

“No,” she snuck closer to him. “I want to be with you. You want to be with Tanith. Who wants to be with me?”

 

There was a pause, and the tension between them felt so palpable.  Meryl wondered, if she reached out her hand, could she touch it? It felt like one of the few things she could grab onto like a life line.

 

“I can’t.” The words were so carefully calculated. She could have counted every one of his breaths.

 

He’d finally come to the same conclusion that she had. She had finally damaged his confidence in their friendship and its ability to withstand all, and she felt like she was standing back, staring at all of their experiences together like it was a graveyard. It was dead, it was past, it was no more.

 

“Go home, Charlie.”

 

“No.”

 

“Go back to Tanith, Charlie,” her voice rose.

 

“No!” he matched her volume.

 

“You made a promise to her!” she threw it in his face, and she knew it was a low blow, but he had to realize that the honorable thing to do would be to leave her alone and let her grieve him, even if she was stuck doing it for the rest of her life.

 

“We made a promise to each other, too!” he spat back at her, motioning between the two of them.

 

They had. They’d promised to always be there for one another. To never let anything tear their partnership apart. What they had was too special to drive a wedge between, at least until Meryl’s feelings had betrayed her.

 

“But that doesn’t matter!” she practically yelled, flinging herself off the bed and standing.

 

“Like hell it doesn’t!” he ran after her as she tried to escape him.

 

“Not anymore!” her voice broke, and the emotions once again threatened to tear her apart at the seams. They had never fought like this. They had rarely ever raised their voices to one another, and here they were screaming, gesturing wildly at one another.

 

“Bullshit!” he closed the heated space between them, covering her mouth with his own. He cradled her head gently, but shoved her body against the wall. She craned her neck and opened her mouth, allowing his tongue entrance. All thought had left her, but the delicious feeling of his hips pinning her down.

 

“You’re my best friend,” he trailed hot kisses down her neck. “And _God_ do I want you. And you always talk, and talk, and talk, and are so fucking serious,” he murmured between light nibbles on her collar bone. “And I’ve dreamt _so many times_ about you raising our children,” he ghosted his lips up her neck to her ear. “Do you know what it felt like spending all those years thinking you could never want me?” he whispered firmly.

 

What was happening?

 

One minute she loved him.

 

One minute she hated him.

 

One minute she was pushed up against the wall of her bedroom trying to figure out which of the two she felt.

 

Her need to know how he felt was winning the battle.

 

“But I do,” she moaned as he fisted her shirt, a tingle starting to rise within her belly. “It’s too late,” she sighed as his fingers brushed over her hardened nipples. “There’s nothing we can do,” she whispered as he lifted her shirt over her head.

 

She was trying to fight, but her body was giving in.

 

He picked her up, and she wrapped her legs around him as he walked them over to the bed. He set her down gently, reverently, like he adored her. He hadn’t spoken a word, and she was beginning to feel self-conscious as he perched above her. The skin of her bare torso was electrified, and she wanted more.

 

He couldn’t stop now.

 

“Charlie?” she questioned.

 

And suddenly everything else faded away, and it was like they were just Meryl and Charlie, the only two people left in the world. His eyes spoke volumes no words could express, and it was like every part of their beings were laid out in front of one another to see.

 

She needed him like oxygen.

 

He needed her just as much.

 

\-----

 

It was her stomach that inevitably betrayed her.

 

As Charlie peppered her stomach with kisses, her belly let out a large grumble. He looked up at her oddly, and she couldn’t help but giggle. It was complicated, but she hadn’t felt giddy like this in so long.

 

He smiled up at her, giving her stomach one last delicately soft kiss, before breaking out into a huge grin. “We haven’t even had breakfast! What was I thinking?”

 

“How very terrible of you,” she teased, kissing him as soon as his lips were close enough to reach. They took a moment to breathe each other in, lazy kisses while the mid-morning sun shone through the window.

 

He pressed his lips to her temple. “When was the last time you ate?”

 

“Really ate, or ate for the sake of eating?” she asked, biting her lip. She had eaten enough to keep her body going, but she didn’t want to come clean with how unhealthy her eating habits had gotten over the last few weeks.

 

He jumped up, pulling her with him. “Well, Ms. Davis, that is something that needs to be remedied!” He grabbed her hand and led her down the hall to the kitchen.

 

“Charlie! What about clothes?” she asked, barely struggling with him.

 

“We’re still wearing something,” he looked at her and winked as they reached her small kitchen. Meryl’s eyes glanced both at him and at herself. Charlie was clad only in boxer-briefs and she had on lacy boyshorts. They hadn’t quite breached the confines of those particular clothing pieces _just_ yet.

 

That didn’t stop her from feeling a little disgusted about the rivulets of sweat slowly trickling down her back. Her skin was on fire and her soul was alight. She slowly traced circles over the mark he had left on her hip bone.

 

Had they really just gone there?

 

Charlie fussed through cabinets, trying to find something suitable to eat. With how little she’d been home, and her recent barely-there appetite, she didn’t have much. “You don’t even have nutri-grain bars,” he joked, “how are you even surviving?”

 

She returned his easy-going smile. This was all going to end far too soon, and she was soaking in the lighter moments before reality would once again rear its ugly head.

 

“Meryl, I think we have to go to the store,” he sighed playfully, shutting a cabinet door with dramatic flair.

 

For seventeen years she had spent her time in comfortable companionship with Charlie, and for the first time she could really allow herself to imagine how wonderful coming home to the familiarity of their partnership would be. There was still an itching in the back of her head, gnawing its way into the furthest corners of her mind, but if she was going to hell, she’d be going down swinging…

 

Because this was what real love felt like.

 

It was in the silly jokes that sometimes could be communicated only with their eyes. It was the way Charlie was poised with one hand on his hip, looking at her like she hung the sun and the moon. It was the crinkles around his eyes that she had memorized as each one grew more and more pronounced. It was the looks, and the laughs, and how content they were within each other’s presence.

 

How could she have imagined running away from _this?_

 

And that was _before_ she had ever seen him in his underwear trying to make her breakfast with no ingredients.

 

She pouted like a child.

 

He came towards her, wrapping her in his arms and kissing her chastely. “What do you say?” he asked.

 

“I think I’d need to take a nice, warm shower before I’d let myself be seen in public.”

 

Charlie thought for a moment before coming to a decision. “Well how about I go pick something up and you go take your _precious_ shower.” He nuzzled her nose.

 

She was beaming and she couldn’t even hide it. “Sounds perfect.”

 

He turned to leave the kitchen, and she couldn’t resist a cheeky jab, “But since you’re already wearing something, you might as well go looking like that.”

 

He growled at her, picking her up and tossing her over his shoulder. She shook with uproarious laughter as he tickled her the entire way to her ensuite bathroom.

 

Setting her down on the threshold he flirted, “Be right back.” He gave her a quick slap on her backside, and she gave him a look before shutting the door and attending to her shower.

 

After a quick but thorough wash, she curled up on the bed in a large cotton robe, not wanting to get dressed for the day quite yet.

 

Lazily reaching into the drawer of her bedside table, she picked up the notebook she had been writing her letters to Charlie in.

_Dear Charlie,_

_You really are persistent, you know that?_

_You’ve pulled quite the stunt over the last 24 hours and I’m still not quite sure how to deal with it._

_Now I don’t think I can leave even if you turn me away. If you’re still here, then I’m still here too._

_But now I feel like I have so much further to fall when you inevitably go back to Tanith, because after everything that’s happened there’s no way she’d ever trust me again._

_Can’t we just go back to the days when we were all just friends?_

_Do you ever wonder, Charlie, if you’re marrying her because you’ve been together forever, and not because she sets your soul afire? I know you’re wonderful together, and you’re both great people, and on paper it makes so much sense._

_But so do we._

_We’ve been together for two decades. We went from partners to friends to **something more**. It’s still undefinable, but it feels more like love than anything I’ve ever experienced._

_I think this is what it was always meant to feel like._

_Love’s more than **right** and **comfortable** and **makes sense**. It’s also those moments of clarity, and feeling so full that your heart wants to leap right out of your chest. It’s being unwilling to move on, and ever-willing to work through absolutely anything._

_You are a part of me, and I am a part of you, and yes Tanith’s a part of all of that… But we’re woven into each other, Charlie. There’s no mistaking the pull we feel when one another walks into a room. There’s nothing that can mask the way our eyes meet, and in your smile I can read absolutely every word you haven’t said._

_I know we’re now cheaters, and I hate that. But I won’t regret the feeling of completeness I felt in your arms. I know we didn’t cross that bridge of no return, but emotionally I already have and if you would walk into this room right now and undress, I wouldn’t hesitate._

_I’ve become such a terrible, selfish person._

 

She was caught off-guard by fumbling at the front door. She pulled on some running shorts and a tank top quickly, going to see what she’d find.

 

The sight was overwhelming.

 

Charlie was clad in new clothing, hair still wet from a shower. In his arms he cradled coffee that smelled amazing, a bag of groceries, and a happily yipping DJ.

 

She could get used to this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I see a lot of you are reading... but most aren't leaving any comments. Please, please, please take a second to let me know what you think! It really helps me to shape the story.


	6. Chapter 6

The day had come to a close, and neither one had breached the subject of where he was going to be spending the night. It was like some dark abyss that neither of them dared to think about or speak of, lest they pop the perfect bubble they’d been living in.

 

Meryl was sprawled on an old, yet comfortably worn blanket that was tossed a bit haphazardly over soft grass at the park. Charlie ran after DJ, laughing with boundless energy as they ran circles around one another. The sun was beginning to set, and the air was chilling. Soon, all would have to be figured out.

 

DJ rushed on her little legs over to the blanket, lapping precociously at Meryl’s face. She couldn’t help but pick the curly-haired dog up, raising her off the ground and kissing both of her cheeks. “I love you too, DJ!”

 

Charlie flung himself onto the blanket next to Meryl, finally catching up with his dog.

 

Meryl laughed, taking in his disheveled appearance. “Looks like someone might be finally close to becoming a real grown up!”

 

“I already have the haircut,” he flung his hair back and posed dramatically.

 

“You own way too many polos to have anyone convinced by a mere haircut,” she teased.

 

He stuck his tongue out at her, still panting from the dog chase. If it was possible he looked more like DJ than ever before. Like dog- like owner?

 

A breeze caught her, and she couldn’t help but shiver. “Time to go home?” he questioned. She nodded. But whose home would they be going to? Would she be alone tonight, or would he be joining her? Should she allow the delayed pain she felt was still inevitable to rest in the background, or would they bring it back to the forefront?

 

If they both went back to her condo, would they further their physical relationship to the point they dared not go?

 

She hadn’t so much as kissed him since they’d left the house. Not only was she worried that they could be recognized, but being affectionate with him in public, off the ice, was still something that felt foreign to her. Not wrong, just new.

 

As she clutched to DJ her chest, she could see Charlie staring at her, waiting for her to make the next move, or say what was on her mind, but she felt like she was frozen solid. There was this huge void that stretched between them, and that void was controlled by the answer to one question: _what did Charlie want?_

 

But recognizing the question, and asking the question, were two very different things. Meryl pushed her hair back behind her ears, trying to evade the doubt plaguing her mind. If she was always going to come back to the same question, shouldn’t she just voice it now?

 

“Charlie…” she trailed off.

 

“Yeah,” he looked at her, trying to somehow read her mind to prepare himself for what was going to come next.

 

She chickened out, “This sunset sure is nice.”

 

Meryl felt like smacking herself in the forehead. They had spent 17 years in a mix of comfortable silence and reliable communication, and here she was falling under neither of those categories.

 

“C’mon Mer, nothing you can say can be as bad as what I’m imagining right now,” he laughed nervously. He did that a lot, but never because of her.

 

“Whatdoyouwant?” she asked, the entire question coming out sounding more like one garbled word than any discernable thought.

 

His brow furrowed. Maybe he had been able to read between the lines and understand what she spouted from her mouth.

 

Collecting herself, she took a loud breath, “What do you want?”

 

She could see as the implications settled into his brain. His look was first confused, then horrified, then contemplative, then sad. He didn’t even bother to raise his usual mask of passivity. When Charlie White couldn’t wear his “everything is alright” mask, she knew that she was in for a tirade of emotions.

 

Charlie wasn’t a good actor.

 

No matter how many times she had told the cameras he was, he was not.

 

“Everything,” he whispered, “But I know I can’t have that.” If she had been anyone else, that one word would have caused her to fly off the handle, but she knew what he meant. He wanted everyone to be happy, he wanted everyone to leave this situation in one piece, he wanted to find a solution that would be copasetic for everyone. But that wasn’t going to be possible.

 

Charlie sat up, looking at the sky, and continued, “I must have been the most selfish person all along. I have always tried to be a good person… a worthy person. I haven’t tried to lie, or cheat, or steal. But here we are, and here I have.”

 

“Charlie, no-” she tried to interrupt but he cut her off.

 

“Meryl, no. Please just let me talk,” he barely looked at her. “I have lied to myself and said that my feelings for you were purely platonic, because they rarely have been. I cheated you, because I should have done something or said something a long time ago, even if you wouldn’t have wanted me then. And I stole, because here I am, holding the hearts of two of the most amazing women on the planet, and I don’t deserve either one of them.”

 

“But that’s not tru-” she tried to interrupt again, but he quieted her by turning towards her. The fierce look of determination and self-loathing that burned within his sharp blue eyes almost broke her. She could only hold his gaze for a second, before staring at a worn section of the blanket that was beginning to tatter. Meryl reached out her perfectly manicured hand to pick at it, lazily.

 

“I don’t know what to do. I know what I _should_ do, and I know what I already _have_ done, and I don’t know how to pick out what’s right for _anyone_ anymore. I know that you left, and I felt like my entire life walked out the door with you. I know that Tanith is probably worried sick, and I was so _sure_ she was going to be my wife. I know that I can’t have both, but why do I have to choose? What even makes me worthy to choose?” The moment his body began to rack with sobs, she thought she must be the most horrible person in the world for putting him into this position.

 

But hadn’t they both contributed?

 

Didn’t both of their actions, and inactions lead them to exactly where they were now?

 

“You’re not a bad person,” she tried to help. “I didn’t mean for this to happen, either.”

 

He took her hand and placed a gentle kiss to the palm, “I know you didn’t.” He placed her hand flush against is cheek, so she was cupping it gently. He nuzzled himself into her touch. “I would have had to face these feelings sooner or later.”

 

“I don’t expect you to have all the answers right this second,” she spoke lowly. “I’ve tried to give you up, and I failed at that. I failed at being a good friend, to both you and Tanith. I failed at holding back how I felt for you physically earlier today… Charlie, nobody’s right or wrong anymore. We’re all just who we are.”

 

“If I should regret touching you the way I’ve touched you, or speaking to you the way I’ve spoken to you, or loving you the way I’ve loved you, then I’m wrong,” he countered her.

 

Was this really her partner of nearly two decades? Charles Allen White Jr. always felt bad about something. (And no, that wasn’t just her dramatizing things.) Charlie beat himself up over _everything._ Every time he missed a twizzle, every time he laughed too loud or too long, every time he said one syllable that hurt another person. But he _loved_ her? Was he sure?

 

Her heart was soaring even though it was simultaneously stuck in the muck.

 

She bit her lip, not having any words or any answers.

 

“After what happened between us today, there’s no way Tanith would take me back. So I have to stop even trying to believe that’s a possibility,” he sighed. There she was again, Tanith, always popping back into the conversation. “But that doesn’t mean I deserve you either.”

 

“Is it really a question of who or what you deserve?” she asked, not understanding how that could even be a part of the equation.

 

“No, I guess not. But there’s still the question of _who am I_?” Charlie spit the last words out of his mouth like they tasted wrong.

 

“Charlie, you know who you are. You’re the boy who skated right up to me, let me take his hand, told me I was the best skater he’d ever seen, and led me fearlessly around the ice. You’re the kid who would spend more time practicing his violin than playing with the neighbor kids. You’re the guy who helped me study for every French test, because I was the only one you’d speak the language aloud to. You’re the man who told me to enjoy the music, and calmed all of my nerves in Sochi. You’ve read too much Tolkien, and you know every hockey player that’s ever played for the Red Wings, and your obsession with Chicken Caesar Salads has got to be a crime in some countries,” she smiled at him, a smile so infectious that made him smile back.

 

“You’ve got me pretty much down,” he joked, but suddenly turned serious. “But Meryl- who is Charlie White without Meryl Davis? Who is Charlie White without Tanith Belbin? Who is Charlie White when you strip away a partner? That’s a guy neither of us know.”

 

Was he different? Did she not know him as well as she believed she did? No. She was sure that he was going to emerge from that question with the same responses she had already articulated. “I think that you’re going to discover he’s pretty darn close to the Charlie White we already know, but you need to take time and come to that same conclusion on your own.”

 

“You know, when you left me, my first call was to Scott,” he admitted.

 

“Scott Moir? _That_ Scott?” The Scott that they had trained with all of these years? She loved Scott, but she had never really believed him to be the first person she’d run to for advice.

 

“Yeah, _that_ Scott,” he spoke, running and hand through his hair. “Remember how lost he looked after Tessa got her first surgery? Practicing with sandbags and broomsticks and looking miserable?”

 

“Yes I do,” she whispered, slowly beginning to understand.

 

“Well, I looked in the mirror after a few days, and I recognized the look in my eyes was the same I saw in him. So I called,” Charlie shrugged.

 

Meryl re-positioned herself, sitting cross-legged on the blanket with DJ between her legs. Charlie mirrored her position. “That makes more sense than I could have imagined.”

 

“We talked for a while, and he was actually the one who told me to, in his words, ‘get off your dumb ass and go find her.’” He chuckled lowly, “I didn’t think you’d answer the door, and I told him so, and he said that you’d feel bad enough to let me in eventually.”

 

“Oh, Scott,” she shook her head and a small smile played upon her lips.

 

“Well, it worked, didn’t it?” he teased, grabbing DJ from her lap. He snuggled his dog, “And then I brought DJ over, and you couldn’t resist!”

 

“That was a low blow, Chuck,” she gave DJ a quick scratch behind her ears.

 

“But it worked!”

 

How did every difficult conversation come back to them being Meryl and Charlie? No matter how uncomfortable or challenging the topic, they always found a way back to one another. Would it always be like that? Would they always have this connection, despite whatever the future would bring?

 

“Charlie, I think you need some time to just do you, and I promise when that time is over, I’ll let you back in. I won’t ever shut you out, again,” she finally surrendered. No matter what fate had in store for them, both as separate people and as a partnership, she’d always find a space in her life for Charlie.

 

“So we’re partners again?” his eyes shone with such over-whelming joy that she wanted to wrap him up right then and kiss him senseless. But their friendship needed rebuilding, and he needed some time, and she needed to do some soul-searching as well.

 

“Yes, we’re partners again,” she thrust her hand out towards him and he shook it, laughing a full-bellied laugh that made her feel like everything would be alright. Maybe not now, but someday soon.

 

He held her hand in a lingering embrace, trying to show how grateful he was that she’d once again be taking a leap of faith with him.

 

“Meryl, I-” he was suddenly so overcome with love and respect for the woman who sat in front of him, and he couldn’t quite put it into words.

 

“Charlie, I know,” she brushed her thumb across his knuckle.

 

“So, more time apart?” That’s the part that neither of them wanted to face, but it was inevitable and necessary, for the both of them.

 

“Yes. But you can call me, and text me, and maybe we can even skate one of these days. I miss that so much.” And she did. Living life without her skates was like living life without either of her arms. Her skates were like an extension of herself. And skating without Charlie would never feel quite right. “It’s not like we can put a label on what this will be like.”

 

“I think that’s a good idea. Ease back into everything slowly, but give each other the space we need. Hopefully everything will fall into place,” he slowly let go of her hand, and pulled her forward so he could place a kiss against her hairline.

 

She had missed the easy and comforting intimacy that had become a part of their friendship over the years. It felt like she was rediscovering all the reasons why she loved him, but in a way where she was more attuned and aware.

 

“Hey, Meryl?” he asked as she began to daze off.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“When I talked to Scott, he told me how much Tessa misses you. He said she doesn’t know how to say she’s sorry,” Charlie spoke in hushed tones, hoping Meryl wouldn’t be offended by him interceding.

 

“I think I’ll call her sometime soon,” she smiled, reassuringly and he took a deep breath.

 

“So I guess I should take you home,” he got up, offering her a hand.

 

“I guess you should,” she took it, linking her fingers in his. Together they grabbed the blanket and their things and walked to the car, Meryl’s head leaned up against Charlie’s shoulder.

 

\----

 

After they said goodbye, she sat down on her couch and took out a pen and paper.

 

_Dear Charlie,_

 

_For the first time in a long time, I feel hope. Real hope. Hope that plants its seed in your chest, takes root in your heart, and somehow grows. It’s a hope that I feel with every fiber of my being._

 

_I know we’re going to be okay._

 

_I don’t know how long it’s going to take, or if we’re ever going to be together, but I know you’re going to be a part of my life._

 

_And I don’t think it will always hurt._

 

_I think we have to take that time apart to realize what we really were to one another. We haven’t quite figured it all out yet, but I know that we’re getting closer._

 

_My world feels like it’s my own again. I don’t feel like I’ve surrendered it to you, or my family, or our fans, or anyone else. I feel like I’m beginning to realize the strength that Meryl Davis has._

 

_I feel like I believe in me._

 

_And I feel like the person I am, believes in us._

 

_I love you so much, and I respect every part of you, and I hope you know that I believe in you. I don’t know why I convinced myself that I couldn’t._

 

_You’re Charlie White, and I’m Meryl Davis, and we’ve always believed in the greatness within one another. I’ll never lose sight of that again._

 

_Thank you for being you, Charlie._

 

_Thanks for letting me be me._

 

_Love,_

 

_Meryl_

 

As soon as she signed her name, she picked up her phone for the first time in a long while, willing herself back into society. Looking up Charlie’s number she sent him a quick text.

 

 **Meryl:** I believe in you, Charlie.

 

A few moments later, she got her reply.

 

 **Charlie:** I love you.

 

It was the last words they’d speak to each other for a couple days, but it was enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, please comment and let me know how you felt about this chapter! Thanks for reading.


	7. Chapter 7

The next day, Meryl showed up unannounced at the Davis house for breakfast. Over eggs and coffee, she slowly began to tell her parents where she’d been, and why she had felt the need to completely disconnect from the life she’d always known, in order to find a way to ensure the life she was looking for. Her parents had always trusted and respected her decisions, and one breakdown wasn’t going to change that.

 

Cheryl and Paul did their best to update Meryl on life’s happenings and the outside world, but they had always made a concerted effort to shield her from the fan reactions and the reaction of the entire figure skating community. As far as the outside world was concerned, Meryl had gone completely AWOL, and _Davis and White_ were done forever. Their phone had been ringing off the hook for well over a week.

 

It would all have to be dealt with at some point, but Meryl deserved to have her time for now.

 

“So, I was thinking it might be good to get out of town for a couple days,” she mentioned. 

 

“What were you thinking?” Cheryl asked, refilling each of the family’s coffee cups.

 

“I was wondering if it would be okay if I took the keys to the lake house?” Meryl bit her lip. She had never gone there on her own; just with the family for weekends and the occasional vacation. She had learned to skate on the uneven ice of the lake, and had spent time sunbathing on the shore. She and Charlie had shared so many life changing conversations there while their families took must-needed time off together.

 

Memories of the house and grounds were permeated with _him_ , but in all honesty, every memory they had shared there was a good one. These memories were full of strength, growth, and renewed determination.

 

“Are you sure you want to by yourself, sweetheart?” Paul asked, casually sipping his drink. The idea of letting his daughter go again after they had just regained her was hard to come to terms with.

 

“Yes,” Meryl said, determinedly.   “I think this is something I need to do.”

 

Cheryl smiled, gently, “Of course you can.” She, more than anyone else, always believed that her daughter would find her way back. _Back to her confidence, back to her strength, and back to the ice._

 

With the keys to the cabin, and her bikini packed, she began her first official adventure of the summer. (She wasn’t counting Hawaii -- because that had ended so abruptly, that there really hadn’t been any time to explore.)

 

For the first time in her life she would be alone, isolated, and she couldn’t feel more excited.

 

The freedom she felt with the windows rolled down, the sun beaming on her face, and the wind whipping through her hair was intoxicating. She cranked up her music, singing in the high-pitched squeak that was no one’s but her own, a voice she had shared with only herself and the walls of her shower.

 

She made a spur-of-the-moment decision at the Meijer, where she stopped to get reinforcements for her week of seclusion. Dialing a number that had once seemed to be buried somewhere within her past, she rested against the door of her car, _hoping beyond all hope_ that a voice would meet her at the other end of the line. Meryl Davis didn’t like to hold grudges, but she _was_ introverted and non-confrontational enough to let conflict lay unresolved for far too long.

 

“Hello?” the voice came, hesitant and small.

 

“Tessa? It’s Meryl,” she replied, trying to sound as peppy and chipper as she had ever mustered.

 

“I know,” Tessa laughed lightly, and Meryl could imagine her shaking her head.

 

“It’s … been awhile,” she said, kicking the dirt at her feet, small rocks tumbling across the parking space adjacent to hers.

 

“Sochi.”

 

Tessa was a woman of few words in her everyday life, juxtaposed against the bubbly persona she portrayed in front of the camera. She tended to speak when words were necessary, when speech could change things for the better, and more than anything else, when Scott was afraid or frustrated. Meryl knew that Tessa talked most right before performances, recounting the entirety of her and Scott’s partnership in order to rid herself of nerves.

 

Tessa and Scott had a special relationship.

 

Different than hers and Charlie’s, but just as _special_.

 

“Meryl? Are you there?” she asked, breaking Meryl out of her thoughts.

 

“Yeah,” Meryl smiled. “So.  I was thinking.  With both of us out for the season, I thought maybe… well.  If maybe we could be.  I don’t know…”

 

“Friends again?” Tessa picked up right where Meryl had left off.

 

Meryl breathed a sigh of relief; there was no need to be high-strung around Tessa: someone who had helped mold and shape her both as a person and as a skater. Perhaps things _hadn’t_ been as they should be, but Meryl’s new life motto was all about hope, and she had hope that she and Tessa could repair their relationship.

 

“Yes. Tessa, I would _love_ to be friends again.”

 

“Thank God,” Tessa let out her own breath she was holding. “I didn’t know if I could just _call_ you, or if I should just show up, or if I needed to wait until the next time I saw you in person. I mean, I just… I’ve really missed you, Mer.”

 

Meryl watched as a car pulled into the parking lot. A group of energetic teenagers got out of their car, laughing loudly and making their way towards the store’s entrance. She quickly remembered similar scenes when she, Charlie, Tessa, and Scott would go out after long practices, enjoying each other’s company both on and off the ice.

 

_When had it changed?_

 

“I know this is completely spur of the moment, and you’re probably ridiculously busy, but, well, do you remember my family’s lake house?” Meryl twisted a strand of her hair around her finger, a nervous tick she couldn’t seem to lose.

 

“Of _course_ I do! Mer, do you remember that time we dared Scotty and Chuckles to skinny dip and _just_ as they were getting out, the moms just happened to be coming outside to check on us? Oh my gosh, that was PRICELESS!” Tessa bubbled over with giggles that had been suppressed for far too long.

 

“Not to mention, it was only like 70 degrees outside, and the water was even colder! But of _course_ Charlie and Scott had to prove what great _men_ they were,” Meryl reminisced, laughing as well.

 

“When they came out of that water, there wasn’t much left to prove what great _men_ they were,” Tessa teased with a snort.

 

“We always had such a great time, all together like that. So,” she continued, trying to sound casual. “I’m actually headed to the lake by myself right now. I don’t know how long I plan on staying, but I know it’s going to be at least a week…” Meryl trailed off, unsure if she was doing the right thing.

 

“Wow, awesome.  Well, can I come down on Friday? It’d be so nice to get away for a bit!”

 

Tessa, luckily, knew just how to break the ice and take all awkwardness out of Meryl’s request.

 

Scott had called her almost the moment after Charlie had hung up with her, not believing that Meryl Davis could have possibly up and left her partner in such an impassioned uproar. Of Team Canton, Meryl had always been the most able to compartmentalize feelings and find a way to keep going, no matter what emotional turmoil was thrown her way.

 

Meryl had always joked with herself that they hadn’t been so talented in ice dancing, they might as well have started a group business helping people _move_. They were all so good at organizing and packing their _feelings_ into boxes with labels that only they could understand. Each member of Team Canton was a warehouse of unopened, yet well-organized boxes of feelings and experiences.

 

But Tessa and Meryl had always been the steady and immovable core of the group. It was their knack for emotional stability that had branded them to one another; they had always been able to keep each other’s feet on the ground.

 

“I can’t even begin to describe to you how amazing it would be if you came to visit for a few days,” Meryl hesitated. “A lot has happened recently, and I can’t think of anyone that could be more capable of helping me sort it all out.”

 

“No problem.  I will do my best!” Tessa responded cheerily.

 

Meryl realized she’d probably been loitering in the parking lot for long enough, and should get back on the road already. “All right.  So I’ll text you the addressand then I’ll plan to see you on Friday!”

 

“I can’t wait. See you soon!” Tessa hung up the phone and Meryl slumped with happiness against the car. She already felt like a huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders.

 

She was proud for throwing down the olive branch.

 

It was long overdue.

 

Settling back into the car, Meryl took the familiar dirt roads that led to the Davis family cabin. Coming up the drive, she was hit with a fresh wave of exhilaration. How long had it been since she had spent time doing something purely for _herself_? She couldn’t even remember. Maybe a day here, or there, sometimes a sight-seeing day when they were competing overseas, but all-in-all, Meryl was _always_ busy.

 

The only thing that could _possibly_ make this better was a puppy, she thought.

 

 _Or Charlie_.

 

Meryl wasn’t going to let herself focus solely on thoughts of Charlie, though. It would be so easy to just sit, and wait, and hope - but she had no idea where he would end up, and she had never been the type of girl to sit around and wait for a boy.

 

Even though, really, she felt like she had been waiting for Charlie her whole life.

 

But she wasn’t going to let that stop her from learning and growing. She wasn’t going to let that _need_ grow to the point at which it became a burden too heavy to carry. It was going to be a small pang in her chest, because she knew there would always be an inevitable pull towards Charlie, but she was going to begin filling up some of the empty spaces in her heart with _Meryl Davis_.

 

After she put away her groceries, Meryl worked on some light cleaning. It had been a while since anyone had used the house, and opening the windows and letting in some air was an absolute necessity. Meryl quickly found the sheets, always neatly stacked by Cheryl in the linen closet, and made up a couple beds. The small tasks kept Meryl busy and bouncing around the house.

 

Meryl made cookies.

 

Meryl laid out on the deck.

 

Meryl tried to pay attention to her book.

 

Meryl thought about Charlie, Meryl wondered how Charlie was doing, Meryl imagined what it would be like to skate with Charlie again.

 

The more she tried _not_ to think about him, the more he would show up unannounced, filling up her thoughts.

 

She pulled out her notebook and lounged on a deck chair.

 

_Dear Charlie,_

 

_I can’t stop thinking about you, so I’m hoping that maybe if I write it all down maybe I can focus on other things._

 

_I’ll be making the bed, and remember the way the sheets felt as the last barrier between us._

 

_I’ll be making cookies, and imagine you coming in to steal the first one of every batch._

 

_I’ll be lying out in the sun, and wonder what it would be like to have you and DJ running around in the yard._

 

_I guess having a few days of paradise makes one hopeful that every day from then on will be filled with the same sense of happiness. And even though I’m still so **happy** , and still so **hopeful** , I’m wondering how you’re doing._

 

_I can imagine this future with you so clearly, and I know that even if I never see it come to fruition, even if I mourned it and found a way to move on, it would always be like this empty vessel inside of me._

 

_I’m trying to learn to lean more on myself, and do the things that make me happy, but I’ve never had a problem with that before. Because I always had you._

 

_Charlie, your laugh makes me happy. Even when it goes on for what seems like hours, I could never get tired of it. Your nervous laugh is one of the most endearing things about you._

 

_The stupid little things you say, and how you’re so **present** in everyone’s lives, is a quality I can only admire. I know that if I didn’t have you, I would probably have only half as many friends. I observe, while you are active. _

 

_It takes awhile for people to **get** me._

 

_It only took you a few minutes and a spin around the ice._

 

_I feel so lucky to have you. Someone who anticipates my needs before I’m even aware of them. Someone who builds me up when I feel like I’m far too broken. Someone who captures my heart each and every day, but holds it gently and nurtures it in a way I can’t imagine as being any more delicate and supportive._

 

_Who would have known that the kids we started out as would grow into the people we became. We’re so lucky, and I need to thank my lucky stars for you every day. When things are better, I’m going to thank you every day. You’re a gift that I could never cherish enough. You’re a blessing I will never deserve._

 

_You’re the one person I can’t imagine my life without._

 

_You understand how family is so important to me, you understand how skating is my escape, you understand that I feel so much more than I speak._

 

_You understand me, and I understand you, and that’s why I hope you’re doing okay._

 

_Yours,_

 

_Meryl E. Davis_

 

She put the pen down, flipping over so the sun could tan the pale skin of her back. She pulled her phone out of her jean shorts, remembering how she’d forgotten to send a text to her parents telling them she’d arrived safely.

 

It felt _good_ to be an active participant in her life again.

 

After she sent the text, she scrolled through her phone, noting the many missed calls and messages from her management. Would they still be performing in _The Ice_? Meryl hadn’t thought much about the commitments she had neglected, and how irresponsible she must look.

 

Meryl sent Charlie a quick message.

 

 **Meryl:** Are you game for The Ice - or do we need more time?

 

She didn’t expect a quick response, but her phone vibrated almost instantly.

 

 **Charlie:** God yes, let’s get away!

 

While she was worried about Charlie, and she wanted to be _there_ for him, her first thought was of being able to get back in the rink together again. Lacing up her skates had always felt like second nature, and it had been so long since their blades had made synchronized tracks across the ice.

 

She sent a quick message to their management, with a standard apology and explanation that she had taken an extended vacation. She’d find a better way to say sorry later.

 

 **Meryl:** I can’t wait! Rink time next week?

 

They fell into easy conversation.

 

 **Charlie:** What about Friday?

 

 **Meryl:** I ran away. Spending the weekend with Tessa.

 

 **Charlie:** Really?  Glad to hear it!  Hashtag Team Canton, forever!!!

 

Charlie was a sentimental fool when it came to their training mates and friends at Arctic Edge. No matter what feuds, disagreements, or disputes happened between the figure skaters, everyone always maintained the way they felt about him. No one ever held resentment against Charlie.

 

When it came to Meryl, the testament wasn’t always the same.  But she never held that against her partner. She knew he was more likeable.

 

 **Meryl:** Doing okay?

 

She needed some type of confirmation that he was okay. It would be so much easier to put their situation aside for the time being, as long as she knew that he was faring well.

 

 **Charlie:** My parents are re-doing the living room, so the contractor wakes me up every morning. But I’ll be alright. Don’t worry about me.

 

 _He was at his parents’ house._ There were so many questions swirling in her heart, but before she could even type, she received another message.

 

 **Charlie:** Are you okay?? Where’d you run away to?? 

 

She smiled.  Just like she worried about him, he also worried about her. She tried to sound as lighthearted as possible.

 

 **Meryl:** Taking each day as it comes, and trying to enjoy them one by one. I’m at the lake house. Lots of memories!

 

They were dancing around the real questions, she knew, but assuring themselves that the other was okay. It was typical Davis and White behavior, but with a _new_ , added sense of something much _larger,_ poised just over the horizon. They would talk a great deal in the days to come, conversations that would delve much deeper, but it was still too soon.

 

 **Charlie:** I hope you’re having fun. Have to go help my mom. Talk soon!

 

The messages were too few. Meryl was left thirsting for more.

 

 **Charlie:** Meryl?

 

She felt her heart jump at the text notification, and immediately typed back:

 

 **Meryl:** Yeah, Charlie?

 

 **Charlie:** I love you.

 

He had only said it a handful of times. Love wasn’t something either of them easily expressed, and they had never really felt like it was necessary, because they both just _knew_.

 

But Meryl would be lying if she said she would ever _really_ get used to it. It made her feel like the slate was washed clean and she had been made anew.

 

 **Meryl:** Charlie?

 

 **Charlie:** Yeah?

 

 **Meryl:** Tell Jacqui hi.

 

She knew she was being a tease. She quickly followed one message with another.

 

 **Meryl:**  I love you, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A quick shout out to both Victoria (fellacrossthesky/tumblr) and Nora (potatoholic/tumblr) for their help editing this chapter!
> 
> Comments always welcome and appreciated!! :)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's back... back... back again...  
> Due to the urging of my tumblr loves, and my outstanding beta- I am back to finish this story!  
> Hope you enjoy!  
> Comments are always appreciated.

“So you let him sit on your front stoop for three hours? Girl, that’s _cold_ ,” Tessa’s words punctuated the air as she took another sip of her tea. “But I win. One time I  left Scott on my parent’s porch for eight,” she smiled over her mug.

 

“You didn’t!” Meryl’s mouth hung open in mock surprise, she knew that Tessa and Scott had always been more tumultuous than she and Charlie. When she and Charlie fought, it was usually like calm waters breaking upon the shore, they receded just as quickly as they came. When Tessa and Scott would fight, they could create a hurricane. They were just different. Both partnerships cared just as much about one another, they just operated in completely different ways.

 

“He _abandoned_ me after I’d had my legs sliced open! They turned my shins into a fish fillet, and he ran away.” Tessa smoothed out a wrinkle in her skirt, “I had my family, but I felt so alone.”

 

“We were friends then, Tessa. You never told me,” Meryl voice was soft, feeling so guilty for the support she had withheld during that time.

 

“I didn’t want anyone to know how fragile our partnership felt. I was embarrassed,” Tessa’s eyes grew dark. She didn’t often let people see the vulnerable parts of her.

 

“Charlie told me to call you,” Meryl admitted, loving the feeling of freedom the truth brought her. “He called Scott when he didn’t know what to do. He said something about how he realized that the only time he’d ever seen anyone as broken as he felt was Scott when you were gone.” Tessa listened intently, nodding her head slowly. “Scott told him to stay until I opened the door.”

 

“He may be a complete jerk, but Scotty knows a thing or two about pushing his way into a girl’s house. He knows my exact order at every one of my favorite chocolatiers,” Tessa laughed, light and unrestricted.

 

“I missed this,” Meryl set her mug down on the table.

 

Tessa understood her meaning immediately, “We both love two absolute fools who somehow believe in the sanctity of platonic partnership. At least mine has a little less resolve than yours!”

 

“Oh, you’d be surprised…” Meryl trailed off, a blush spreading quickly across her cheeks.

 

“You _didn’t_!”

 

“Well not _quite_ ,” she nibbled on her bottom lip, flipping her hair over one shoulder like she did whenever she was nervous or uncomfortable.

 

“Who would’ve thought Charles would have it in him,” Tessa seemed impressed.

 

“Tess, we cheated, it’s not something to celebrate,” Meryl sighed.

 

“Are you kidding? Two decades in the making?! Of course it’s something to celebrate! It sucks someone else is hurt in the process, but the kid’s been making goo-goo eyes at you since he was like 12,” Tessa laughed.

 

Meryl couldn’t help but laugh too, but for different reasons. “No way. I can name every one of his crushes since he was 9.”

 

“You mean all of the crushes he pretended to have so you wouldn’t notice his real feelings? You are such a sucker. I always thought you knew and just wanted nothing to do with him in that way!”

 

Meryl knew she wasn’t the most observant person in the world. That was an extreme understatement, actually. Meryl could be so _passive_ that she missed just about everything that didn’t happen on the ice. But she was so in tune with Charlie and their relationship was so close, she thought she knew so much, and was only recently learning that there was still so much she didn’t know about who he was.

 

“I didn’t know,” Meryl said, matter-of-factly. “But I really didn’t open my eyes up until about a month ago, so I guess what I’m learning is that there’s a whole lot out there when you take competitive skating out of the way. Even in mine and Charlie’s relationship, there’s a lot of stuff left to explore and understand now that we might never go back.”

 

“It’s weird, not knowing,” Tessa acknowledged.

 

“Tell me about it,” Meryl sighed, getting up and grabbing both of their mugs and heading into the kitchen. “So what should we do first to take our minds off of it?”

 

*****

 

Day quickly turned into night as the former friends reconnected. Their conversations bounced between lighter topics and fond memories, to the difficulties of post-Olympic life. Namely, their partners and re-adjusting to life without constant training. Meryl told Tessa all about Dancing With the Stars, and Tessa filled Meryl in on the classes she planned to take in the fall.

 

They also danced around in their pajamas and sang Beyoncé at the top of their lungs.

 

But nobody needed to know that.

 

“So Meryl, what I still don’t get, is why you ran?” Tessa questioned, laying on one of the guest beds, her feet on the pillows and her head hanging upside-down off the side.

 

Meryl was flipping through a photo album while laying down on the floor. She propped herself onto her elbows and rested her chin on both fists. “I felt like I was going to fall to pieces, Tess.”

 

“Not literally though, right?” Tess questioned, looking over at Meryl even though her sight was upturned.

 

“ _Quite_ literally,” Meryl answered. “It was like all of my organs were going to fall onto the floor because after suppressing something for so long, I didn’t feel like I could hold it in anymore.”

 

“That’s morbid,” Tessa snickered.

 

“Yeah, yeah,” Meryl tossed a pillow towards Tessa, and she righted herself on the bed, mirroring Meryl’s body position.

 

“It’s different for me and Scotty. I’ve _always_ felt so much for him, but even though its hurt at times, I let myself feel it,” Tessa acknowledged.

 

“Well Ms. Virtue, Scott’s never been engaged before,” Meryl countered.

 

“I guess you’re right. But he has had a serious girlfriend or two. I just always thought we’d end up together in the end.” Meryl saw her friend’s eyes falter, as she now stared at the carpet in what had always been Meryl’s favorite bedroom. It had the most windows, and an amazing window seat that was perfect for reading.

 

“You still could,” Meryl responded, gathering herself up and going to sit cross-legged on the bed beside Tessa.

 

“You and Charlie could, too,” Tessa scooted closer to Meryl, resting her head in the other girl’s lap, and wrapping her arms firmly around Meryl’s waist.

 

Meryl stroked Tessa’s raven-colored hair, “But if we don’t, I want to make sure we’d be okay. That _I’d_ be okay and that we could still be friends.”

 

Tessa sighed contentedly, “You know, we could always just run away together and become lesbian lovers.”

 

Meryl laughed, full-bellied and boisterous, “The media and our federations would _love_ that!”

 

Tessa chuckled, “Okay, I guess we’ll just have to keep our true feelings to ourselves.”

 

“God knows we’re good at that,” Meryl smiled, patting Tessa on the back.

 

“Is that your phone ringing?” Tessa shifted and craned herself towards the door.

 

“I don’t hear anything.”

 

“It’s definitely ringing,” Tessa pushed at Meryl playfully.

 

“You have freakishly good hearing,” she said, jogging down the hallway and back to the kitchen where she’d left her phone plugged in.

 

She answered without checking to see who’d called.

 

“Hello?” she greeted, her current happiness apparent, even through her slight breathlessness.

 

“Well someone sounds happy,” Charlie laughed, and she could instantly tell he was relieved to hear her doing so well. Some things you just _know_ after so much time together. Even over the phone, with the terrible service she’d sometimes get up at the house.

 

“I am!” she replied cheerily. “How are you?”

 

“Working on it,” she could hear the slight smile playing upon his lips.

 

“You sound pretty happy too.” She was relieved. She knew how he could beat himself up over small things forever. It’s one of the ticks that made Charlie who he was, so she loved it, but she always had to try a little bit harder to get him out of his own head.

 

“I think I’m mostly just relieved to hear you sounding so close to your normal self. It’s been awhile,” he acknowledged what she already knew to be true.

 

“Tessa and I are having the _best_ time, Charlie. I’m so glad you suggested I give her a call, it’s just what I needed.”

 

“See, I _can_ do something right every once in awhile.” _There._ There was the self-deprecating humor he used to try and hide real problems.

 

“Oh Charlie,” she breathed. “You’ll be happy again soon, too. We’re going to get back on the ice in a few days,” she reminded him, trying to raise his spirits.

 

“How rusty do you think Rachmaninoff has gotten?” he teased.

 

“I don’t care,” she said joyfully, “because we’re going to be partners again, and a week ago I didn’t think that was possible.”

 

“You’re right,” he said with so much sincerity that she knew he was almost overwhelmed at how far they’d come in only a few days. From nothing, to almost friends.

 

They’d have to re-learn some of their trust, but maybe they could find a new normal.

 

She wanted to keep the conversation light, to keep him from feeling self-conscious and alone. No matter what, she was resolved to find a way to be his friend.

 

They couldn’t live without one another.

 

And yet, after all the frank conversations she’d been having with Tessa, there were so many questions she wanted to ask and things she wanted to say.

 

“So, _Charles_ ,” she spoke in the corniest British accent anyone had ever heard, “did you have a reason for calling?”

 

“Meryl, you’d make a lousy butler,” he laughed and laughed, too delighted with his own joke.

 

She couldn’t help but chuckle too. His jokes could be lame, but the way he enjoyed them so much made them infectious.

 

He continued, “I guess I really didn’t have anything, I just wanted to say hello and remind myself that we’re talking again.”

 

“Yes we are,” she confirmed.

 

“Does this mean I have to hang up and give you back to Tessa?” Charlie asked.

 

“Well unless you’re ready to have an Earth-shattering conversation…” she trailed off.

 

“Ooh, Earth-shattering,” he teased.

 

“About life and love and the Lord of the Rings,” she continued, loving her own use of alliteration.

 

“My three favorite subjects,” he jested.

 

“It’s good to hear your voice, Charlie. It’s good to remind myself that we’re talking again, too,” Meryl admitted, propping her elbow up on the kitchen counter.

 

“Can I call you tomorrow?” he asked, timidly.

 

“Charlie, you don’t have to ask anymore. Of course you can call me tomorrow. Or text me, or skype me, or e-mail me, or whatever you want to do,” she replied.

 

“Love you, partner,” he said as a goodbye, reassured by the short conversation they’d had.

 

“Love you too, Chuck,” she smiled, hanging up the phone.

 

“Good job, Davis. If I didn’t want to see the two of you together so bad, I’d be vomiting all over the linoleum,” Tessa entered the kitchen suddenly, causing Meryl to jump.

 

“Dear Jesu- why’d you have to scare me like that?” Meryl exhaled, leaning against the counter.

 

Tessa jumped onto the kitchen island, “Because, without me your life wouldn’t be as exciting.” She popped a chocolate chip cookie into her mouth and chewed contentedly. “So why’d loverboy call?” she asked between bites.

 

“Because _loverboy_ is a neurotic piece-of-work who probably just broke up with his fiancée,” Meryl crossed her arms in front of her chest.

 

“Well, I don’t know where this Meryl came from, but Lord knows I love a girl who’s got backbone,” Tessa joked playfully.

 

“Hey, I’ve always had backbone!” Meryl pouted.

 

“True, but now you show it more. You demand what you want. I think I like the new Meryl Davis,” she tossed Meryl a cookie, and Meryl took a bite, pleased with the direction she was headed.

 

 *****

 

After Meryl was sure that Tessa was completely asleep, she took out her phone, casting a glow upon her notebook’s pages.

_Dear Charlie,_

_I am happy. Really, really happy._

_I think we can do this._

_Be friends again._

_I didn’t think I could have you in my life without it breaking me apart. I didn’t know if I was strong enough to do that. I guessed that I’d die slowly inside, even if I extricated myself from your life. Like, I’d cease to be me because the love for you that flows through my veins is one of the things that feeds and heals me- and keeps me alive._

_I know it would hurt to not be with you. But I guess, in some ways now, I know you’d never let that happen._

_I always knew I meant something to you, but now, I can see it even more. And I know you’re hurting right now, and that makes me feel incredibly selfish… But I guess you never know how much you **really** mean to a person until you’ve left them. You can never know how strong the bonds are until they’ve been tested._

_I’m sorry for testing you, but it happened, and so now all I can do is be grateful for it. Guilt won’t help either of us as we move forward._

_I want us to be happy. **Really** , truly happy. Whatever form of relationship that means, I can deal with it as long as we’re both happy. Why? Because you make me happy, Charlie White._

_The way I can understand how you feel when you’re not even speaking. The way that even when you barely touch my lower back and I feel so comforted knowing that you’re there. The way you are always so firm in how you protect me- both on and off the ice. The things that you’ve done for our partnership, for our friendship, for our **relationship**. _

_I know it’s not a romantic one, at least not yet, but it is a relationship._

_Sometimes I think that all relationships are really only a sliding scale of friendship. There’s acquaintances, friends, good friends, best friends, soul mates, and then there’s the love of your life. Everyone you meet falls somewhere on that scale. You’ve just become closer and closer, and more and more important. It feels like every once in awhile I have to re-evaluate, and come up with some new label to add to the sliding scale so that you still have a place to fit. Because you are just so much **more**. We are just so much more, together. _

_I want to do everything I can to help you find your happiness again. To help you find a place where you belong. To help you feel safe, and secure, and loved._

_I know that means keeping my distance, at times. But I can’t wait to be on the ice with you._

_Even if we don’t really practice. Even if we don’t skate a program. Even if we just stroke around for a few minutes._

_I’m looking forward to the ease of holding your hand. It sounds so incredibly sentimental of me, but a few days without holding your hand seems like a lifetime, so a few weeks without that familiarity is fairly unnerving._

_Can we just never stop skating?_

_I know there will come a day when we have to, at least competitively. Maybe we’ll never go back. But, promise me that we will find time to skate, at least every once in awhile, for as long as we possibly can?_

_I’d miss you too much. That’s the place I’ve always known you. Even before we were friends. Even before we talked._

_I can’t believe I ever thought I could lose you._

_Words can’t express how much I love you, but maybe I can show you on the ice,_

_Meryl E. Davis_


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Victoria for always helping me out with this story!
> 
> If you like this story and want me to continue, leave a comment! <3

Meryl laced her skates with trepidation, fingers shaking and palms clammy.

 

  
She could still do this, right?

 

She had won the Olympics just a few short months ago, for crying out loud.

 

But where was her _partner_?

 

She was always second to arrive at the rink. Which was strange for two reasons: one, her aversion to driving the speed limit, and two, her aversion to being last. Life was a competition, and if you weren’t first you were last.

 

However, after years with the same arrangement, she was comforted by the familiarity.

 

When Meryl would drive into her parking spot at Arctic Edge, his car was always there already waiting for hers.

 

When she tossed her bag into her locker, his was already spread open and jumbled in the adjacent cubby.

 

When she took her skate guards off, his were always there waiting on the boards.

 

She didn’t think he’d stand her up, but there was still that unfamiliar nervousness of being there _first_.

 

Did she step onto the ice without him?

 

Luckily, she didn’t have to come up with an answer to her question, as Charlie entered the building in a frenzy, hair askew and bag flung recklessly over his shoulder.

 

She caught his eye from across the room and he did her best to giver her a weak smile, but she was immediately drawn to his slouched shoulders and defeated posture.

 

Meryl bit her lip as he tossed his bag onto the floor, picking up and crushing her in an awkward hug.

 

They didn’t quite fit together, him in his street shoes, and her trying to balance on her half-tied skates. She felt too tall, and he felt too small, and something was incredibly off about him.

 

“Oh shit, you’ve already got your skates on,” he realized, helping her back down into her seat.

 

He was skittish and nervous, not like his normal self at all.

 

“I meant to get here earlier,” Charlie sat down next to her and apologized, reaching down to unzip and tear through his bag, searching for his skates. “How late am I?”

 

He looked up at her for just a moment, and she could see a dark red rim around his eyes. Charlie had been crying. Charlie almost never cried.

 

Meryl politely pretended not to notice, answering with all the fake chipper she could muster, “You’re technically still five minutes early.”

 

He had just found his skates and grabbed them out of the bag when she heard him choke back a sob. Charlie tossed the skates down on the floor and covered his face with his hands.

 

She wanted to comfort him, but she wasn’t sure if she was _allowed_. Was it Tanith? Was it something she had done? There were so many possibilities, and she didn’t want to upset him further by crossing any sort of boundary.

 

So Meryl waited in silence, skate laces half tied, hoping that no one was watching the exchange between the two ice dancers too closely.

 

There were only a few people in the rink, but she wanted to shield Charlie. She wanted to be able to protect him from anyone who might be watching and trying to judge the situation.

 

  
She didn’t want to magnify his sadness with any added embarrassment.

 

“Charlie,” she began, unsure. “Do you want to go somewhere-”

 

He cut her off before she could finish, “No.” He raised his head, moisture filling his eyes, “Meryl, I…”

 

“What’s wrong?” she finally asked, hoping he’d give her some indication of how he’d gone from the hopeful person she’d talked to on the phone every day for the past week- to the man who was having a complete melt down at their home rink.

 

“Fuck, Meryl. She took the dog,” he choked out before once again covering his face with his hands.

 

“Oh God,” Meryl whispered without thinking.

 

  
DJ was originally Tanith’s dog. Tanith had every right to take her after the break up.

 

This was going to be unbearable for Charlie.

 

  
What words could she even use to convey how sorry she was?

 

Was he going to get visitation?

 

Joint custody?

 

“I can’t believe she took DJ.” Charlie sat up, “She said she was going to spend some time with her parents and figure out what her next move would be. I had a feeling when things broke down that she wouldn’t want to stay in Detroit. I mean, especially after how things went down, but…”

 

“But?” Meryl asked.

 

“But then she just showed up a few minutes ago, unannounced, like I was supposed to know she’d be coming around to get DJ,” Charlie finished, staring blankly out across the ice.

 

“Charlie, I’m so sorry,” Meryl offered, knowing it was in no way a consolation for all that he was feeling. Charlie and his family had always treated their pets like they were children, taking care of them with the utmost care and love. Taking Charlie’s pet away was like separating him from his child.

 

She knew he was crushed, and it was going to be a long time before he’d be ready to talk about how he felt.

 

Charlie was a self-healer.

 

When Charlie had to deal with his emotions, he took his time. He would put everything else aside, slowly bandaging his wounds on his own, before he would discuss them with anyone. Charlie was nothing if not logical, and so he liked to think things through from every angle and come to a conclusion before sharing his thoughts and feelings with others.

 

That’s why everyone who didn’t know him as well as she did thought he only knew one emotion: happy.

 

It was incredible that he had opened up as much as he had to her, but she knew that at this point, she couldn’t help him with words.

 

So instead of speaking, her strong fingers laced up the remainder of her boots. There was one thing she _could_ give him that no one else could.

 

As soon as she sat up with clear purpose, Charlie took her cue, taking off his shoes and putting on his discarded skates.

 

As he knotted the laces, she rose from her seat and offered him her hand.

 

Charlie took it, grabbing onto her tightly as he rose from his seat. When his blades hit the ice she could see his body finally relax, like he had exhaled a breath he’d been holding for too long.

 

Usually they would stroke alone for several minutes to warm up before finding one-another’s hand. But today, Charlie never let go of Meryl, as they took several tentative laps around the ice.

 

“I love this,” he breathed suddenly, catching her off guard.

 

“I do too,” she looked over at him, catching the half smile upon his lips.

 

Thank goodness she still knew how to make him smile.

 

“I’m really glad we’re still partners,” he pulled her into a dance hold, but closer than what was proper form.

 

“I am too, Charlie. But really, have you lost all form already?” she teased. “We worked 17 years on that, and you’ve forgotten it all so quickly!” She jokingly made a big show of putting the proper amount of space between them.

 

“God Meryl, why can’t you ever just be _fun_ ,” he smirked as she made a mockingly sad face at him, finally getting him to laugh. _That_ was the sound that brought Meryl to life.

 

“Charlie White, I am _so_ fun,” she began poking him playfully in his sides.

 

It had been a _long_ time since they’d had such a light-hearted practice.

 

So much had been hanging on Sochi. So many dreams they were chasing. So many expectations.

 

This was _new_. This was something they were discovering for the very first time.

 

Their friendship had come alive over the last 17 years, both on and off the ice, but on ice everything made _sense_ to the both of them.

 

And now it not only made sense, but it was made new.

 

“Why are you thinking so hard?” he questioned, bringing her back into the moment.

 

She didn’t want to talk about anything too deep just yet. She wanted them to just shut up and dance.

 

So Meryl made light of the moment, “Just trying to think if I remember all the steps to Rachmaninoff.”

 

His smile beamed back at her, “Oh don’t worry, I’m sure I can help you remember!”

 

*****

 

_Dear Charlie,_

__

 

_Every time I think we’re almost out of the woods and on our way to figuring things out, it’s like we’re lost all over again. There is no feeling I hate more than the sinking one that comes along with not knowing if what you’re doing is **right**._

__

 

_I wouldn’t blame you if right now you were wondering if it was **worth it**. What we did, and what you said, and everything that sent your relationship crashing down the way it has._

__

 

_Of all the possibilities and scenarios I’d imagined when debating what and if and how, I’d never contemplated the fallout you’re facing right now. I knew it would be inexplicably difficult, and that it would cause everyone a great deal of pain, and that’s why running seemed like the absolute best decision. I wanted to save you the pain._

__

 

_I wish it wasn’t this hard._

__

 

_Even in the happy moments today, my heart was still breaking knowing that on the inside you don’t feel **whole**._

__

 

_Why do my feelings have to break apart your entire life? Why do they have to cause so much destruction? Why does something that’s supposed to be so happy and fulfilling, also have the power to destroy and destruct and demolish?_

__

 

_I sometimes wish I’d never realized the emptiness I feel without being able to love you. Sacrificing my emptiness for your heart ache was never my intention._

__

 

_Maybe we can never build a relationship out of the rubble that I’ve caused for you. Maybe we could never find a way to trust another person after we’ve seen how flimsy trust can be broken. Maybe I should never be allowed within 50 feet of your happiness._

__

 

_Have I ruined you? Am I the one that pushed you to breaking?_

 

Meryl closed her notebook suddenly as she heard her doorbell ring.

 

It wasn’t particularly late, but she wasn’t used to receiving anyone unannounced, especially at night. Perhaps it was the professional athlete's hours she had been keeping for as long as she could remember, but her friends and family rarely made spontaneous visits.

 

She grabbed a zip-up sweatshirt off a hook in her closet, her pajama shorts and tank top making her feel a tad bit underdressed.

 

Meryl immediately recognized his shadowy outline through the door. “Charlie, what are you doing here?” she opened the door for him.

 

“Is it okay that I’m here?” he ran his hand across the back of his neck, bashfully.

 

“Of course, come in,” she gestured him into her condo, carefully locking the door behind him.

 

“So, I can’t sleep alone,” Charlie laughed nervously, getting right to the point.

 

“Oh,” Meryl’s eyes darted to the floor, searching within herself if this was a good idea or not.

 

  
She had so much self-doubt bottled up from the day, and she wasn’t quite finished writing in her journal to him.

 

Eventually, she was probably going to have to begin communicating with him again. Not just by proxy, via her notebook.

 

“I know it sounds _awful_ , and co-dependent, and ridiculously _selfish_ -” he began.

 

Meryl cut him off, wrapping her arms around his shoulders. “Don’t you dare for one moment think you’re selfish for coming here. Friends help one another, don’t they?”

 

Charlie carefully placed his hands on the small of her back and breathed in the familiar scent of her hair, “It seems so dumb. I’ve known you my whole life, we’ve been basically communicating without speech for a decade, but all of a sudden I’m nervous to just say things.”

 

She squeezed him even tighter, chuckling, “Basically you just said everything I was thinking, so I think our nonverbal communication is still pretty solid.”

 

He smiled, pulling away from her a bit, “It’s like you’re you, but also you’re not.”

 

“How so?” she asked, confused.

 

“You’re still Meryl, but you’re also more. It’s like I know you so well, but I’m rediscovering things all over again.” His fingertips ghosted her cheek, before pulling her in so he could place a quick kiss on her hairline.

 

“It’s hard to know where to go from here,” Meryl sighed, letting go of Charlie and taking a step back from him.

 

“Is slow okay?” he bit his lip.

 

“Slow is perfect,” she grabbed his hand, squeezing it gently, “but I’m not quite sure if you coming here to spend the night is really _slow_.”

 

“Can’t it be like the old days? A slumber party between friends?” he tousled his hair with his free hand.

 

Meryl remembered those days. The days of Davis-and-White clan road trips, and late night video games, and so many other times that they were thrown together because their parents still weren’t quite sure how to help them forge their partnership.

 

One of her fondest memories was shortly after Charlie broke his ankle, she had constructed a blanket fort in his room to keep him company. After all of her hard work, and a feast of all the foods they didn’t eat during competition season, she and Charlie had fallen asleep right in the middle of the floor in his room. Charlie had been so upset, but her companionship had made him feel like a person again.

 

“If I grab all the blankets out of the linen closet, do you think you could help me build a fort that rivals the one I made for you?” Meryl asked, a gleam of mischief and childlike fun in her eye.

 

  
“Oh Ms. Davis, it’s on!” Charlie let go of her, rushing to gather the blankets and cushions from the living room.

**Author's Note:**

> Just when you thought you'd had enough of me with ONE story, I had to go and start ANOTHER! Comments are love, and I can't wait to hear what people think about this story.


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